To help achieve a relaxed happy you, do something for yourself today, and on a regular basis that rejuvenates you. Schedule time on your calendar to get a massage, get a manicure or pedicure, go to a movie or watch that show you have record but never seem to have time to watch.  You could also start an exercise program or read that novel you have not had time to read. Whatever it is that rejuvenates you,  that nourishes your spirit,  give yourself that gift, so that you can give those you love the gift that will continue to give, to them and to you – the ongoing care of you.

 Aha Wisdom will become a regular feature here.  In this feature I will share growth inspiring quotes, sayings, and stories with the hope that they will inspire you. Below is the first of many such growth inspiring words of wisdom. In keeping with the beginning of the year, it is about goal setting. After you read it, if you journal, I invite you to write a response, reflect on your goals, or your progress towards your goals in your journal.

“How would you feel if you had mastered and attained all your goals  a year form now?

How would you feel about yourself? How would you feel about your life?

Answering these questions will help you develop compelling reasons to achieve your goals.

Having a  powerful enough why will provide you with the necessary how.

Take this opportunity to brainstorm you top four one year goals.

Under each one, write a paragraph about why you are absolutely

committed to achieving these goals within the year.”

                                                                                     Anthony Robbins

In spite of the seemingly strong commitments we make to these resolutions, most of us lose the resolve to achieve these goals in a very short amount of time. Research indicates that 1 of every 4 resolutions is broken within the first week, and over 50% are broken within the first month.  For those of you who have not yet given up or lost the resolve to achieve your goals, rather than just making resolutions as a tradition, I challenge you to make plans to achieve your goals.

Plans are organized steps of definitive actions used to achieve goals. Plans demand movement. Plans demand a commitment to action, rather then just a statement of desire, or of intent. Make that commitment now. Get your organizer, smart phone, calendar or whatever you use to help manage your time, and develop a plan of action for achieving your New Year’s goals.

Tips for developing your action plan:

• Set Realistic Goals. Make sure your goals are achievable within your life demands.
• Choose One or Two Goals. Choose one or two things that are important to you, that will really make a difference in your life.
• Make Achieving Your Goals a Priority. Schedule consistent time to devote to achieving your goals. Schedule the same time on a consistent basic so that working towards your goal will become part of your routine. This will make it more difficulty to forget.
• Acknowledge Potential Challenges. Be honest about what may cause you to stumble or discourage you. Develop a strategy for managing these challenges or discouragements.
• Hold Yourself Accountable. Share your goals and plans for achieving them with a friend or partner who will encourage and support you.
• Celebrate the Small Successes. These mini-successes will be encouraging, and allow you to measure your progress towards your goal.
• Don’t give up. The goal can be achieved at any point during the year. So if you experience a set back or start to feel discouraged with your lack of progress, remember the  year is not up until December 31.

Although many of us engage in this tradition of resolution making, within weeks we have lost the resolve to achieve these goals. However, in an endeavor to make this year different, rather than just make resolutions, I suggest you make plans to achieve your goals.   Plans are the organized steps of definitive actions we use to accomplish goals. Plans somehow seem more solid than resolutions, more of a commitment to take action rather than a statement of desire or statement of intent.  

So make the commitment to your resolutions. Get out your organizer, calendar or whatever you use to help manage your time, and develop a plan of action for achieving your New Year’s goals.  As you develop your action plan, remember the following:

• Be honest with yourself about what is possible for you, what may cause you to stumble or discourage you, and what would be helpful to your  accomplishing your goals. Develop a strategy for managing the discouragement.
• Schedule consistent time to devote to achieving your goal. If possible, schedule the same time on a regular basis. This will help make it part of your routine, and more difficulty to forget.
•  Make sure you are realistic about your goals and your plans – the goals are achievable and the plans possible within your life demands.
• Establish a method for holding yourself accountable, such as sharing your goal and plans with a friend or partner who would be willing to encourage and support you. 
•  Celebrate each step towards the accomplishment of your goal. These mini-successes will be encouraging, and allow you to measure your progress towards your goal.
• Don’t give up.   Although I achieved several of my resolutions last year, it was not until near the end of the year that they were fully realized. At various points during the year when I felt discouraged, I had to remind myself that the goal could be achieved at any point during the year.

1.    To Avoid Unnecessary Stress Learn to say NO. Recognize your limits, and don’t be afraid to say No when asked to go beyond your comfort.  Look at all the things you do, and your commitments, decide what is absolutely necessary, and eliminate those things which are not.   Alter your life when possible to avoid those things which cause you stress, (e.g., people, conversations, situations, etc…).   You will be amazed at the amount of stress you will be able to eliminate just with these simple exercises.

2.   Talk It Out.  Venting or confession is often helpful. Even if nothing can be done about a situation, it helps to connect with others who understand your concerns and can empathize. People who are empathic to your problems can help you reduce your daily irritations by listening. Talking also helps us let go of our negative feelings. Releasing negative emotions allow us to move past them, and eliminate the related stress.

3.   Monitor Your Thinking. Negative thoughts are powerful, automatic, and can quickly distort your perspective, thereby decreasing your joy. Learn to challenge negative thoughts, reframe problems as opportunities, attempt to look at the bigger picture by asking yourself how important this situation will be in a week,  and focus on the positives by reminding yourself of all of the things going well in your life. 

4.  Regularly Do Something You Enjoy.  Participating in enjoyable activities  allows you to  nurture your emotional self.  This type of self-care helps you cope with the hassles of daily life, and tolerate the unexpected stressors. Regular participation in enjoyable activities such as exercising, journaling, meditating, listening to music, reading or watching a favorite television show is necessary for maintaining your emotional well being.  Also, maintain a sense of humor. Laughter is a great stress reducer. It helps distract from problems, and helps put things in perspective.   

5.  Take Care of Your Physical Health. Taking care of yourself physically increases your resistance to the harmful impact of stress. Remember to exercise regularly, eat healthy foods, decrease caffeine and sugar intake, avoid drugs and alcohol, and get adequate sleep.  A physically healthy body is better able to cope with stress, and less susceptible to stress related physical concerns.

For many of us parents just the thought of taking an hour out of our day for ourselves or doing something we enjoy causes us to feel guilty, as if by doing so we will be neglecting our children. However, quiet the reverse is true, failure to care for our well being may be more detrimental to our children then the absence of our presence for an hour or two.  Failure to take care of  the self may result in tired irritable parents who may be short-tempered and easily frustrated by the needs of our children.  Failure to maintain our well being may result in depression, anxiety, fatigue, and poor overall physical health.

In the April issue of O Magazine, the first lady, Michelle Obama, talks about how she manages the demands of being a professional, a wife and a mother. She talks about getting up at 4:30 to work out, because if she had to get up at 4:30 for work she would or to take care of her children she would, and how too often when we think about doing these kinds of things for ourselves we cannot do it. She changed her thinking because exercise helps her feel good about herself. She talks about how her happiness is tied to how she feels about herself, and she wants her daughters to see a mother who takes care of herself. When I read this, I thought what a wonderful example for many of the mothers of today.

As parents we must start to love ourselves like we love our children. This helps us be better parents to our children, and healthier and happier individuals. It is also good for our children to see us take care of ourselves, to understand that we are more than just parents but also people with our own identity outside of them. Remember also, we are role models for our children, so by allowing them to see us as people and parents, we give them a guide for how to become parents who take care of themselves when they become parents.  So don’t forget that being a parent does not mean that the you, you were before you had children ceases to exist. Make it a habit to regularly do something you enjoy, something that does not revolve around parenting. Don’t forget to “put the mask on yourself first”.

I think it is always distressing when anyone tries to be something other than themselves. I was reminded of this recently as I prepared for a stressful meeting, and came across a quote that reminded of the need to be yourself. After thinking about this for a few minutes I decided that the best way to approach the meeting was to be me.  Address the situation as I would, using my words, and not as I think other more successful individuals or more assertive individuals would. After making this decision, I became less stressed because I know how to be me. It was the belief that the only way to make this situation successful was to act and speak like someone else that was stressing me. 

I wonder how many of us are stressed or upset because we are not being ourselves because we believe who we are is not good enough.  So I challenge those wanting to be “normal” to spend some time with yourself, getting to know yourself, and recognizing the many ways that you are good enough.  So normal is most rewarding when it means being normal for you.

As a working parent, I also recognize and struggle with time demands, and the question of where am I going to squeeze one more thing into my busy day.  Here are a few strategies that I use that may help you get started thinking about how to make time for your partner.

• Go to bed at the same time a minimal of  one night per week. This encourages intimacy, and provides an opportunity to talk together.  
• Do chores together. Doing anything together creates opportunities for communication.  In the evening after dinner fold clothes together, on the weekend prepare meals together, or cuddle together while watching television.
• Enforce the bedtime of your children.  Put younger children down to sleep, and require older children to be in their room at a certain time. This provides quiet time for you and your significant other.
• Have a regular date time.   Think creatively, meet for lunch or wake early and have breakfast together. If getting a babysitter is a problem, put the kids to bed and enjoy dinner and a movie or dinner and dancing in your own home.

Again, these are just some suggestions to get you thinking creatively about how to incorporate time for your relationship and your significant other into your daily life.  Although it may initially be challenging, with consistency it will become easier and enjoyable for both you and your significant other.

If you enjoy quiet time to read or meditate, or uninterrupted time to exercise, waking early in the morning before the children are awake may work for you. Usually, the house is quiet and peaceful. If the thought of waking early makes you say no, ask yourself if you had to wake early for an activity for your child, would you. Like most parents your answer is probably yes. This means you are able to do it. You just have to decide that it is important to take care of you.

If waking early will not provide you with the needed peace and quiet, what about going in to work early so that you may leave early to do something you enjoy, such as go to a movie or treat yourself to a pedicure. Again, think about how often you leave work early to attend a school function for your children. During the summer, when attending school functions are usually not an issue, take an afternoon off for you.

Organize and priorize. You cannot do everything. Choose the things that you have to do, those that can be done by someone else, and those that can be let go. Also, organize and multitask. When possible combine at least two chores. Develop consistent routines so that minor chores become automatic. This will free up more time in your schedule for you to do something you really enjoy rather than another must do task.

Make sure to enforce bed times for your children. Too often our children, through various means, manage to prolong the time they go to bed. Bed time becomes a test of our patience with requests for water, to use the bathroom, or read one more story. So that not only do our children not go to bed on time, but by the time they are in bed, we are tired and frustrated. If this happens to you, then putting your children to bed on time may seem impossible. However, if you can develop a conistent bedtime routine, and actually start the routine before your child should be in bed, then by their bedtime all of their bedtime avoidance will have been addressed. Thus allowing you some free time prior to your bedtime to relax. Another option is for you and your partner to take turns putting the children to bed. This will allow one of you to have free time on the night the other puts the children to bed.

Plan regular dates with yourself. If your partner is not able to babysit, what about grandparents, aunts or uncles. Another babysitting option is to take turns with a friend with children. The challenge with this is to make sure you keep the dates. Put the time on your calendar, make plans to do something that you have to commit, or ask a friend to help you be accountable for taking time for yourself by keeping your dates with yourself.

Ultimately, no matter how many suggestions, tips or strategies are given, you must want to make time for yourself. If you want to and are having difficulty, ask yourself why. If  you are not interested in time for yourself, again, ask yourself why. There may be unlying issues about valuing and appreciating yourself that need to be addressed. Remember, no matter how busy, we always make time for what is important.